A man is driving his sports car along his favorite winding road on a beautiful autumn day. Hes enjoying the colorful scenery and the exhilaration of the wind on his face. The car is a fine piece of machinery as it handles the bends and curves like slot car on a track. His Z3red is his pride, and it is his joy.
The day is, well, perfect. All of a sudden around the bend coming at him is a Volvo. The driver is clearly upset with a frustrated look on her face and is even more surprised by the man in his car she now needs to avoid. As she passes by the man she maintains her lane and shouts out to the man, Pig!
In his anger and disbelief the man does a hazardous U-turn and catches up to the woman. He pulls up along side her and yells at the top of his lungs, Cow!
Extremely satisfied with himself he turns the car around and resumes his leisurely drive and as he rounds the bend sure enough he hits the pig. Another version of this story has him rounding the bend and sure enough there is a policeman and he gets pulled over for speeding, but we found that version a bit disrespectful.
Of course the moral of this story has to deal with how help can and is often perceived as threatening. The woman was doing everything she could under the circumstances and the man took it as an attack on him.
Once while golfing I remember a golfer behind us yelling and waiving a club. I hate being pushed I said, Were maintaining a good pace. So I shout back, Relax, we are playing as fast as we canjust chill out! When we made the turn he approached us and I was preparing for a verbal confrontation. Imagine my embarrassment when he gave me back my 7 iron I left back on the sixth fairway.
Why do we sometimes think the worst in folks when they may be trying to lend assistance? In both of these scenarios there is a direct correlation to the uncertainty of a situation and how our misunderstandings impact trust or the lack thereof. The driver was uncertain as to why the woman would say such a thing and I was uncertain as to why these guys were shouting at us on a golf course. Distrust is a direct result of uncertainty.
Let us take this subject to a plain higher. Direct feedback is also one of those perceived threatening things and conflict is a form of direct feedback. Unfortunately everyone thinks conflict is a nasty word. Its not; at least it doesnt have to be.
The fact that we disagree with one another, even for a split second, makes us think differently about our position, even if we still strongly disagree. Open disagreement in team meetings is how we are able to get many points of view on a subject. Unfiltered and passionate dialogue provides constructive sessions in which teams air different points of view. Healthy means passionate, yet respectful. These dialogues must remain professional and not get personal.
So what happens when I push back a bit, passionately state my point of view and still my ideas are not being used? What a waste of time, right? Wrong! Just because we are heard doesnt guarantee our ideas and thoughts will be used. In fact they often are not. We sometimes find that we strongly disagree with the decision being made and you know whatthats alright too.
We dont have to agree but we do need to be on board. Once we leave that conference room all of our actions, decisions and behaviors need to be in alignment with those decisions. We dont have to agree, but we do have to commit. It is this lack of commitment that impacts the way we hold teams and team members accountable.
In closing we need to come back full circle. So, why dont teams have passionate debate in meetings? Its a lack of trust. Trust that we can be unguarded in our thoughts, opinions and positions. We are creating a culture of bobble heads and we are taking part in bobble head meetings. And this is why most of us hate going to meetings. Theres no excitement and very little interest unfortunately.
We can sit through a three hour movie, but we cant stand the thought of another 30-60 minute meeting. Why? What is it that every movie has in common? Its an element of conflict.
About the Author:
Nicholas D. Conner is Vice President of Program Development and COO of TeamBuilders. For nearly twenty years he has enjoyed sharing his experience and expertise with organizations that include small business to Fortune 20 Companies. His unique facilitation style combining humor with knowledge creates workshops that are both entertaining and insightful. Nick is one reason why TeamBuilders client list reads like a Whos Who of global business.
EXPERIENCE AND EXPERTISE
Nearly twenty years of designing and facilitating sophisticated workshops in Team Synergy High Performance Teams, Mergers and Acquisitions and Change, Leadership Synergy, Leading & Coaching for High Performance Teams and Self-Managed/Self-Directed Work Teams.
- Myers Briggs Type Indicator Level Eight Facilitator-MBTI, MBTI Step II, MBTI Executive Coaching
- Five Practices of Exemplary Leadership-Kouzes and Posner
- The FiveStar Team Performance Indicator
- Key Note Speaker
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